Let's Try This Again...

What a rollercoaster of emotions. Let me just say this ain't no easy gig. A huge round of applause to all the entrepreneur's killing it and making it look like a piece of cake. While i'm over here breaking out, pulling out my hair, haven't showered since...ummm...huh...I don't know, and my diet is coffee and dates smothered in PB. OH and a stress cold sore- did you guys know those are a thing?!?! LIKE WTF!!!

I promised myself when I started this that I would be as open and honest as I possibly could. That I would lead with authenticity and heart. So here I am, un-showered and all, telling you some of the bumps and triumphs I've been experiencing since our last Blog Date. 

So fear came back-well-I don't think it actually left, but it hit me full force and I was ultimitley looking for a job. I got consumed with the idea that I needed to have job security (which hello COVID19, is anything secure anymore?!) and consistent funds. 

I also turned to old habits. That supporter/hype girl role. Which I love. It's easy for me. It's cozy, and I'm good at it. No discomfort there at all. If I believe in you and what you're selling/doing then I got you! 

But then I became uneasy. I couldn't sleep. My body was doing funny things. Headaches, I started clenching my teeth again, I was snappy and emotional...and I felt this constant loom of confusion. So I sat with it...to be clear when I say "I sat with it", I mean I was cleaning. Mediation comes in many different forms ok!? ;) 

And then it hit me. Shit. I was running again. I was distracting myself. I was looking for reasons to not do LnF. I wanted to stay in my comfort zones. Ugh. 

The whole reson I started LnF was to create my own path. To give myself the opportunity to do something I love. To grow and become the person I know I can be. The one I feel deep in my bones. She's scary though. Because to become her, fully, I have to change a lot of aspects about my life and myself...and that's tough. That's discomfort. 

Once I recognized what I was doing, I realized I needed someone to help pull me out of this cycle, so I hired a coach. Listen, sometimes you gotta hire shit out. And for me it's THIS. I keep things pretty surface level, so from time to time I need a check in. And since this business and life mean everything to me, I know I need some outside aid and perspective. My coach, Elyse Cathrea, knows she has her work cut out for her...I'm like an onion haha...and she's up for the challenge. I'm forever grateful for her ability to show up for me time and time again. xo

For me, my fear has been running this show. I stay small...playing safe. Because my thoughts of "what if..." take over and debilitate me. I can't reach the top if I'm stuck in the middle. I can't. 

So after some inspirational convo's with some amazing humans. I'm here. Ready and excitited again. And I've also realized that this will be a continuous battle for me, for awhile anyway. 

I was talking to a girlfriend (thanks KB xo) and she said something along the lines of "it would be a disservice to you and the world to not become what and who you're meant to become" and that sank in. I drank that up. I wrote that out. I read that out loud. I breathed it. I ate it. Because it's the mother eff'n truth. FOR ALL OF US. 

I then re-read this comment from my childhood BFF (AMY!!!!) "you're a GODDAMN CHEETAH"...thank you Glennon Doyle for these words, and thank you Amy for reiterating them. Yes. WE ARE CHEETAH'S. UNTAMED. 

Everyone- my hubby and kids, my parents (ALL OF THEM), my girlfriends (ALL OF THEM), my family (ALL OF THEM), stangers (ALL OF THEM)...they've all had my back...

So why don't I?

I am working on it. I am working on myself and getting stronger everyday. I do believe in myself and what I'm doing, and I won't allow fear to dictate my actions and thoughts no more. Fear will always have a place, and I will acknowledge it's presence...but it can't play on my team anymore. It can watch from the sidelines. 

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